oThanks for coming back for part 3.
As the Heavenly Father calls and you continue to ignore you sometimes don’t think so clearly. Like using the term “responsible” drug addict. All I wanted to do was go to church for Easter, life was crap and I just knew it was all God’s doing, because I wouldn’t answer His calls. But Scott wouldn’t go to church! So I left him.
As any “responsible” person would do right? Leave my kids! That is the “responsible” thing to do so that I can think and figure things out.(not) We only had one car so I had to be close to work so I could walk, I end up in a motel that rents by the week, you know the kind, not the Holiday Express that is for sure. I made it to work one day, then I just had a melt down and couldn’t hold it together. I was given the rest of the week off to get my head on straight and to see someone to help me. I did have a cool conversation with a lady about that I had wanted to go to church for Easter, but just didn’t make it because of how my husband felt about church, how he was always saying they are “full of hypocrites.” She told me about her church that they were doing an old fashion Sunday in the Park, with a lot of games and things for the kids to do this next week and that we should come.
Now I am all alone in a flea bag motel, I have an appointment the next day to talk to someone. But now I’m alone with no one to talk to. I’m still mad at Scott so I don’t want to talk to him, beside when I called to talk to the kids he was an ass. So I call the only other friend that I have who also happens to be our drug dealer. Once again the “responsible” thing to do. I needed the help to think clearly anyways, I was going to have to talk to the Doctor tomorrow, right! He was only too glad to help with anything I needed and even offered me a place to stay. I did not take him up on that offer. I love my husband, and want to go to church not leave him forever.
So the next day I go to the Doctor and I am very good at hiding the fact that I’m a drug addict. Yes my blood pressure is up, but I have a family history of heart problems so that is to be expected. Remember I’m a “responsible” addict I have insurance, a job, I’m just having trouble with some life issues. So the Doctor puts me on anti-depressant, and I’m still doing drugs. A great combination!
I got it in my head that even though Scott had been understanding to this point to give me some time to figure things out; he was going to try to take my kids away from me and make me look like a bad mom. Now why would I think that? Oh! I did leave them. Even if it was just for a few days. And I have this guy running back and forth between me and Scott trying to make trouble. I demanded that Scott bring me the kids. We fought back and forth about it and he gave in and brought me my two.
Now if you have never done drugs you probably have no idea what people who do drugs do when they are high. If asked, most of the time it would be party. Well when you have kids and you are a “responsible” druggie you just stay up, you can’t have parties it would wake the kids up. You can’t leave them alone, you are “responsible.” Scott and I would play games like canasta and backgammon. Don’t even ask me how to play the real way now, because when you stay up all night playing games with just two people, you start making up rules. So here I now have the kids in a crappy motel, I’m wired, they’re asleep, what am I going to do. My best friend is at home alone with his kids.
So I call him, we end up talking all night long about everything. In the morning he comes and gets me and the kids, but I’m not ready to go home yet it just doesn’t feel right, not yet. So we all go to a better hotel. We get two rooms so that mom and dad can make up. Part of being “responsible” just a little bit better than your average druggie is we did not snort our drugs. I worked in a dental office. I couldn’t sit inches from people’s faces and sniffle all day. So we smokes it. It does sound as bad as it is. After a time it wears on your throat. When I went to the Doctor he had given me cough medicine with codeine.
Alrighty then; have you been keeping track of all the crap I now have on hand?
So I get wired, high, I have anti-depressants, and now cough syrup with codeine. I have taken or done one or all of these throughout the day. We had a great day with the kids, they don’t have a clue what is going on, we tell them it is a mini vacation in their own back yard. After we put them to bed in their room, I started to not feel so well. Scott thought maybe I hadn’t eaten enough. That was when I told him about what the Doc had put me on. He got mad at first for not telling him and was yelling at me. I thought he attacked me at one point, because he was across the room, then he was right beside me. He said “You blacked out.” I didn’t believe him. He wanted to take me to the hospital to get help. I said “NO”, no one could find out that I am a drug addict. I am the responsible one. The one who as worked to prove that since I got pregnant at 16 it didn’t ruin my life, and I did make something out of myself. I can’t go to the hospital Let me Die !
Yes, I said that with my four children sleeping in the very next room. I was willing to die instead of admit I had a very real drug problem. That my friend, is Suicide by pride. There is more to this story hope you come back to find out how God got us to where we are.