The day God showed up for me was April 9th, 1994. Yes on Tuesday that will be 19 years ago that Scott and I sat in a hotel and I tried to take my own life instead of going to the hospital to get help. But there is still a lot to tell you about that hotel so lets jump back in time to the story.
In the very moment that the words left him mouth; I was standing in that hotel clear-headed and stone cold sober. No lie! Wondering want the &%$# happened! I looked at Scott and he looked at me, both of us just amazed! Scott was just as sober, he rushed to me to see if I was okay.
It is hard to put into words just the power that was in the room at that moment you could feel it. It was like both of us was super charged and the clearest we have ever be or may ever be in our lives. With no understanding of what had gone on just that God had Answered Scott Call. He told me what he said. It is hitting me; the reality of that just moments ago I was going to choose to die over being a mom to the children in the room next door. To never see them grow up and have kids of their own. The one just years before I let my father beat me because I wouldn’t have an abortion; and then he tried to bribe me with a car. I would give them all away for pride now. Just how far I had fallen. My heart was breaking as I called for God to forgive me for all that I had done, as Scott held me in his arms. Both just sobbed for all that we had lost, or could have lost. Thank God for his grace and saving me.
We wanted to talk to someone so we tried to find a hotline or a help center we did find an AA hotline and was able to talk to someone. They thought I should still go to the hospital and get checked out. I really was the clearest I had been in years. I still didn’t want anyone to know. We knew that we had to clean house right then and there even in the middle of the night. So we started going through everything and throwing things out that should have not been part of our lives. The the illegal drugs, plus the anti-depressants and the cough medicine. All the paraphernalia that goes with that lifestyle went in the trash that early morning. Even in that hotel between the both of us we had two small trash bags of crap.
By this time it was 3 am or so still amped but knowing that we need to lay down for a while to rest. We turned off the lights and went to bed.
I could hear Scott’s steady breathing he was asleep. I just had a feeling that we were not alone. I opened my eyes, the room was flooded with light. Not light that came from any kind of lamp or power source I know of, because it was all around us the whole room was full of these tall glowing …I don’t know? I say that they are angels. Do I know that for a fact No! But I know that I felt love coming from them and that they were sent to protect me. I felt more than heard them tell me that it was okay to rest and watched as they left the room. I would like to believe that my Mom was part of that group that was sent to protect me that day.
The next morning we got up and went home; before we would even let the kids go in the house we had to clean house. So as they played outside, we started the job of going through our lives to see what needed to be purged from it. Not only what had to go,(like drugs) many things come with a drug lifestyle we wanted a clean slate with nothing left behind. From the house there was also two trash bags full of crap that had to go. You may say that’s not bad, 33 gallon trash bags that is. As Scott was tying one of the bags closed that I know happens to have a 8 ball in it, I asked him to open it. He said “why.” Just do it please. I poured a glass of water into the bag then he through it away. Scott wanted to know why I did that and I told him that I knew that, those trash bag would be sitting in that dumpster for the next two days before the trash was picked up and I didn’t know how bad I would get. I had been a “responsible” drug addict for 6 years. Then I stab the bag and watched the water run out of the bag.
God is amazing!!! Neither one of us had any withdrawal symptoms just needed sleep. We starter looking for a Church to go to. It is hard to do on a Saturday so it would have to wait for tomorrow. I did remember about that church that lady from work was telling me about old fashion Sunday in the park that is where we are going to be bright and early tomorrow. I don’t even care what we wear, because God sure doesn’t. He is just waiting for me to come home.
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Duet 31:8