I have shared previously that I tried to commit suicide out of pride. Yes, pride! I didn’t want anyone to know that I was a drug addict. There was so much family pressure placed on me, and pressure I will admit that I put on myself. After getting pregnant at 16, in my junior year of high school and being told by my Dad that I had ruined my life by not having an abortion in trade for a car. He said ” you can always get pregnant after graduation, just get rid of the kid now he will ruin your life.”
Well the kid did not ruin my life! I did graduate high school, and did very well. (if you are my friend on Facebook that is why all the names Deena Gallups Conklin Siddle). When you get married before you are even out of high school, for social media you need both names if you want high school friends to find you. Right?
Okay back to my point; my family made me feel like I had ruined my life and would never amount to anything because of having a baby in high school. Now I’m a drug addict, so regardless of what I had done right in life, I have just proven him right if he finds out. (My Dad) I am a worthless pile of junk that should have never been born. He never wanted me anyway. I was a mistake also, I should save everyone the agony and get rid of the bastard.
Side note: The night my Dad said those words to me I fought back, for the first time, as he had me pinned to the floor and punched me in the stomach trying to cause me to have a miscarriage, because I refused to abort the baby. He told me that he brought me into this world and he could take me out of this world to. I went limp until he stopped, praying the baby would be okay.
So you can see the deep seeded need in me to prove that I was not worthless; That I had value. That is where the pride and the willingness to die instead of admitting I needed help came from.
Now, 19 years later, I am a long way from that girl who lay on the floor and prayed, while her father beat her in hopes of killing the baby inside of her so she will not ruin her life. I am a long way from the young mom who was willing to take her own life instead of admit that she had a drug problem and needs help. I praise God that I am a long way from that person, and that I am a new creation in Christ because of His forgiveness.
It is funny though how pride is still a problem in my life. I found this out last summer. My husband was doing a sermon on temptation. He joked about that he couldn’t be tempted by Brussel sprouts (he hates them, all the rest of us love them). Satan knows what we can be tempted by and will use that against us. Up to this time I would have told anyone that if I walked into a room and there were drugs there, it would not be a problem for me. I had almost 19 years, I would not tempted. Besides, God had saved me from dying, I just knew in my mind that to do drugs again would be my death. Well Scott does the sermon on temptation and that very week what does he find on his bike ride? That’s right, a mason jar full of pot. And he brings it home, of course. He wants me to be comfortable and sure that he flushed it all so that he would have a witness. Okay I get that, but this stuff is making me uncomfortable, my brain is turning. Then he opens the jar! I have to say, 18-almost 19 years could have been lost in that moment. I immediately start thinking what can I make a bong out of.
Satan knew the pride in my heart, that I had made it this far and was clean. Was the temptation of Scott’s find in a field to remind me that I could be back to ‘day one’ in a moment. It sure was not Brussel sprouts. But to God be the glory because since Scott found that weed, no one got high off of it, because it was down the drain.
Check out Scott’s journey at oneshepherdsstance.wordpress.com see ya next time.