You hear someone one singing a tune and it just gets stuck there and won’t go away, no matter what you do to get rid of it.
It is almost like the recording in my head that tells me that I am ugly, fat, that I will never be good enough, or any one of the other lies that the recording in my head still plays for me on any given day. It will sneak up on me, I know that these are lies that are meant to destroy me and tear me down as a person. That was the goal of my Dad as he would tell me I was stupid and worthless.
It was one of the ‘gifts’ that my parents gave me as a child and a young adult, then I fed it from there, over the years I have let others feed into it also from time to time.
I talking about Self-Hate
I wish I could say that I stand in front of the mirror proud and content with what I see. That I know how wonderful God made me. Psalm 139:13-14 “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb, I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”
I know in my head that that verse is about how God feels about me. It is getting my heart to believe it over the recording my head still listens to. I have tried to buy a new recording, even upgrade to a CD player. They last for a while, but the old recording also finds it’s way back in no matter what I do to block it out.
I know the people who know me will read this and cringe to know that I think these things of myself at times. Because I’m the first one to say, ‘Believe that you are beautiful, find the gift inside that God has given to You and share it with the world. When I look at you I see, one of God’s wonderful children that is meant to be loved and to love, not someone who is to short, or to fat, to tall, or to anything at all.’
So I share with you my struggle with my own battle with what I believe of me. Those who were supposed to love me were not careful with their words, with their own hate. I ask you to be careful with what you say to your children, they are recording their life song that will forever replay.