We hide from the things that we can’t change or we don’t like,
Sometime that is the dawn of a new day.
There are many days that I have to pray for the strength to get out of bed and face even one more day here.
I ask myself why I stay.
The answer is easy, what would people say if I left my husband the Pastor, the all around great guy that everyone loves. (Because he is there for them)
I go over it and over it in my head all the time, could I make it on my own?
I haven’t been on my own ever, a mom at 16.
What would I do?
Would our youngest let me stay with her?
Should I try to go live with my Aunt?
The last time, 8 years ago, I really wanted to go, I was so mad that he didn’t understand that I couldn’t do all the work anymore by myself, we had to hire help. He was afraid to hand over control to someone else who had not put all their blood sweat and tears into starting the business. I stomped my feet, yelled and cried, the old demons came out and violence arrived. I threw a chair across the room that left a hole in a door. (Not a proud moment) Then I ran out, driving down to the lake, as I stood there yelling at the water and at God.
Why my husband didn’t understand, and what was I to do. Thinking I could make it on my own.
Praying for God to give me permission to leave my husband, to give me the green light, why? Well a good Godly woman listens to God first not her heart but, God would not let me go.
He did speak to me; it was not to tell me that everything would be alright, no it was to tell me to go make soup. Get back to work and make soup! Yelling, screaming, tossing chairs, and running away was not going to make anything better. I needed to explain my heart and hear Scott’s and go from there and we did. One more time.
That was then and this is now, how do we keep getting back to the same place again and again.
For years I have prayed for God to take away my need for affection from my husband that he is unable to give me. The nights that I have laid crying myself to sleep in our years of marriage are too many to number.
I beg and plead to understand why he doesn’t want me. My need is great because of my background; to me sex is love. So to tell me no is to say you don’t love me.
He says it isn’t so his love runs deep, I will never understand just how much he loves me. He just can’t give me what I need on demand.
I know that I am different than many women, so maybe it is just me. So God change my heart I pray on my knees.
Years go by: He gives so much of him to all but me, there is nothing left at the end of the day, he has spent his day taking care if the needs of others, yet I still cry myself to sleep. What is left for me?
Don’t get me wrong, he is a great man, I love him with all my heart, there is just something missing and I wonder does he do things on purpose to push us apart. I nag and pick; he can’t do anything right.
He knows after almost 25 years that we are weak and barely hanging on I’ve ask to see someone for help but pride stands in his way. Who would we talk to in this small town were everyone knows everything about everyone.
My plea falls on deaf ears and we stay for one more round of tears.
Until the fateful night when someone else was in need, there marriage was falling apart, he tells them of a wonderful counselor they should see.
Why can’t it be me?
If she is so great why can’t she help us?
How can you preach then turn your back on us?
I couldn’t do it any more – I can’t live this way! Either we go or I was heading for the door, I didn’t stop to ask God if I could go this time, it didn’t matter if I am to stay . I had lost all feelings and wanted to run away.
December 2012 – WE WENT TO SEE THE COUNSELOR, not all his fault it takes two to get this place. Me with my baggage and wounds, him with his pride, This was a beginning to a long journey.